Learning to Love my Symptoms

Diagnosis

I was diagnosed with asthma in May 2024. My doctor gave me a rescue inhaler, steroids, a few different allergy pills, and a pep talk. She was gentle but firm, “Some people go to the emergency room too often. Some do not go to the emergency room when they should. You are in the second category.” She also explained exactly what kind of treatment and medications I would be given if I woke up in the middle of the night with difficulties breathing. I listened carefully and politely, but made no promises about using the emergency room.

 

At that time, I used to wake up once or twice a week from a nightmare of being murdered, with a tense body and a heavy feeling. I did not associate these episodes with breathing difficulties. My entire body was contracted and the changed breathing pattern seemed to be a part of it. Not knowing it was an asthma symptom I developed my own method of dealing with my terrible night life. Once I was awake, I was able to control what was happening with my body. I would open the window, shake off the disturbed feelings, walk around, make myself relax and meditate until I felt normal and ready to fall asleep again. If the nightmare was really bad, I would wake up a close friend of mine who would comfort me and help me feel better, and then I would make a cup of coffee and meditate some more. After an hour or two, I was completely fine.

 

The nightmares were not the only symptom though. I was bothered by a sore throat, chronically swollen tonsils, a ton of mucus, headaches with nausea, and a fatigue that was most difficult to overcome. When chest tightness got added to the list, I went to see the doctor.

 

My health had been deteriorating for the last 10 years, and finally having an asthma diagnosis felt like a step forward. Until then, I was treated for allergies and various infections, but none of that seemed to address the root of the problem. I persisted, doing my best to live as loving and expansive a life I could, regardless of not feeling well. It needed to come to a crisis for the diagnosis to be clear, and it was satisfying to be able to put a name to it. I felt validated that there was actually something wrong with me! Until then I didn’t feel well, but didn’t know why and expected myself to be healthy.

 

The medication I received helped to some extent; my nightmares became less frequent and not as dramatic. But my overall health seemed to get worse. Using the rescue inhaler was making me dizzy and lightheaded. I stopped using it after a couple of tries. The instructions to use it “as needed” gave plenty of room for interpretation, so I concluded I never really needed it. Within a couple of days from my doctor visit my heart started racing and I started gasping for breath when speaking. At that point I clearly had difficulties breathing during the day as well. I wasn’t certain if I was getting worse, or if the medications contributed to developing these symptoms. My doctor didn’t think it was the medications and encouraged me to continue taking them. She also said that many people keep taking asthma medication for the rest of their lives. I didn’t like where it was all going. I needed to find a better way to heal, and I immediately started searching.

 

Finding The Way Out

When I first learned about Dr. Buteyko’s discovery I was absolutely fascinated. I devoured everything I could find to read about it. It went directly against the usual ways of thinking about asthma, and I found it very compelling. It had already been my conviction that many conventional ways of thinking about life are backwards, so Dr. Buteyko’s thoughts found fertile ground in me. I found his explanation of asthma extremely illuminating. Over-breathing is the cause, not the result of illness! I was sold on the concept right away and talked about it endlessly with anyone willing to listen. I was ecstatic to find out about it. It made sense not only of my breathing problems, but also all the other symptoms I never associated with asthma that were not explained before. The body was trying to keep homeostasis, and my symptoms indicated its sincere attempts to do so. I found a new hope that I can not only overcome asthma, but also become truly healthy again. I was thrilled!

 

The first steps in adapting to this new knowledge were fairly easy. Simply paying attention and making sure to avoid hyperventilating was not that hard. The mouth tape became immediately useful. I also started ignoring the breathing instructions of the exercise coaches on the video tapes I used to exercise with. I realized I liked hyperventilating while exercising. In my poor health it was giving me an illusion of vigor that never lasted long, but was somewhat addictive. I had to confess and renounce this addiction. But I found it was easy to do, now that I had the understanding that over-breathing is only further damaging my health.

 

Beyond those first adaptations, however, I could not even imagine how to approach learning the Buteyko Breathing Exercises. To breathe less when you feel like you’re not breathing enough is a difficult thing to get around to do. My first small attempts to follow the exercises I read about were only making me anxious. I knew I was not going to be able to learn it without help. I needed to find a teacher.

 

I searched the internet for teachers of the method, until I found Sasha Yakovleva. I was guided by intuition, having a feeling that I can trust my health in her hands. I vividly remember reading Sasha’s book, and being introduced to the breathing snake, learning that breathing “needs to be respected and treated with great sensitivity, as if it were a living thing.” I had a strong response to that statement, a feeling of relief, which convinced me that I was on the right track looking for Sasha’s guidance.

 

I was even more convinced after the first Consultation Session. Sasha’s responses to all my questions and concerns were very considerate and exact. I felt deeply taken into account. I was confident in Sasha’s guidance. I trusted her immediately, and signed up for the Breathing Normalization Course.

 

Learning To Love My Symptoms

The biggest change I needed to make in the process of learning the Buteyko Method was changing my mind. For years, I had lived despite the limitations of my body. Ignoring my symptoms was a part of overcoming an acute sense of limitation and trying to always give my best regardless how I felt. I lived despite my body, making it do what I needed it to do, and conceding to the necessary rest only when I couldn’t function anymore. Making myself ready for the day required an enormous effort. Every day I was earning a gold medal for getting out of bed and aligning all my forces to be a bright and capable presence for all of those around me. I was able to do that, but it was getting harder and harder, and after years of repeating it day in and day out I was very tired of this constant effort.

 

Learning about the Buteyko Method, and listening to Sasha’s assurance that the body wants to live as long as possible and maintain the best health it can, was altering to my perception of what was going on for me. The symptoms were not enemies, but ways in which the body was dealing with hyperventilation. That made sense, and it was far more benign than how I had perceived it.

 

I understood that in order to truly heal I needed to not only learn to breathe less, but also learn to listen to my symptoms rather than ignore them. Sasha started teaching me how to respond to the symptoms, carefully instructing me about each of them. It felt very liberating to be able to do something that was truly helpful to the body rather than just masking the deeper problems. She encouraged me to love my symptoms as important messages from my body that allow me to adapt to what it needs.

 

I did not love my nightmares! But I learned to appreciate them as the body’s attempt to stop hyperventilating and make me wake up so I can participate in this effort consciously too. Among other helpful ways to improve my night breathing, Sasha suggested that I wake myself up on purpose before the difficult part of the night starts, and do breathing exercises in the middle of the night. A chronically tired person already, I didn’t want to give up the part of sleeping that was still peaceful. It was always possible that tonight won’t be the nightmare night. I was gambling with my sleep. But it took only one more nightmare of getting killed again to convince me that getting up in the middle of the night was a good idea. Once my will was behind it, I started enjoying my nighttime practices. Feeling the peace of the night and the quiet house was a pleasant experience. I enjoyed being up when everyone was asleep. Me and the moon got along quite well. My nights finally became a time of peace.

 

Even then, my night’s sleep didn’t result in feeling rested in the morning. I needed to address that too. “Rest when you’re tired,” sounds like a simple thing to do. Fair enough. Easy. Except that I was feeling tired most of the time. Logically, I needed to rest… most of the time? I was face to face with needing to admit that I needed at least a lot more rest. This had consequences for other people. I spoke with my family and we decided I should reduce my work hours in order to heal. Everyone at work was extremely supportive. They really wanted me to get well, whatever that took, and that relieved me of a sense of obligation to work full time.

 

Working only part time and taking frequent breaks for relaxation and breathing exercises made me feel very different. I was finally able to exhale, metaphorically speaking. I felt a deep relief and deeper changes in the body. My breathing difficulties diminished and my overall sense of well-being increased, even though paradoxically at the same time I started feeling worse.

Chroniosepsis

Sasha started teaching me about Dr. Buteyko’s second discovery, Chroniosepsis, at the very beginning of our course, because I already had a chronically sore throat. She expected that either it would get better as my breathing improved, or I would to develop more symptoms. My throat had been sore for years, so I was fairly certain that my tonsils may need to be removed and I was prepared for that possibility.

 

My throat was now very sore and I had severe headaches with vomiting regularly. I could not focus or think clearly and I had to stop working altogether. My doctor referred me to a specialist. It only took one look of the ENT doctor at my throat to recommend tonsillectomy. Then, it was just a matter of waiting for the surgery.

 

The Art Of Waiting

During the waiting time I diligently practiced reduced breathing, and patience… The breathing exercises along with the ways of responding to symptoms Sasha taught me gave me some temporary relief from acute discomfort. I could not expect making significant progress until my tonsils were removed, but I considered the practices an important investment. I thought of it as growing roots, developing better breathing habits, and overall letting the deeper changes continue to work on me.

 

Waiting is not easy. But I noticed that once I let go of expecting from myself to function, I was happy. Instead of having my regular work schedule and many other things to engage me, I started observing a completely different schedule: the time when the morning fog rolls in; the time the great blue heron comes to our pond for breakfast; the time when songbirds are most active. Life seemed to move on perfectly well without any help from me. I relished my insignificance.

 

At the same time, I tried to stay as close to my friends as I could. Many people were doing a lot of things to stand in for me, plus many things needed to take care of me. Since they were part of the net that now carried me day after day, I wanted to make sure they knew how I feel, and knew I love them. I could not contribute physically, but I still loved them back. Doing that from a place of vulnerability created by being ill added a new dimension to my relationships, and that became a lasting change.

 

And through all this time, including the surgery and the recovery, Sasha was checking on me and helping me adjust to what my body needed. I am extremely grateful for all the help she gave me at each step of the way.

 

On The Other Shore

Getting through the tonsillectomy was like crossing a river. Many of my symptoms went away after the surgery. I stopped taking allergy medication simply because of difficulties swallowing, but I found I no longer needed them. About a week after the surgery I started seeing changes in my health. I was finally really improving. A couple of months after the surgery I was able to start decreasing the steroid medication. My breathing stamina started growing and each Buteyko breathing session started to feel like a powerful injection of well-being.

 

It took a lot longer to regain enough strength to come back to work, but this time finally came, almost miraculously, in one big increase of energy. One day I felt significantly better and simply decided to go to work! Everyone was celebrating me showing up in the office all of a sudden. I was ready to get back into the stream of regular life.

 

It is not the end of my healing, but my progress is significant. I’m medication-free and free of asthma symptoms. I no longer need to get up in the middle of the night to do breathing exercises, and I sleep through the night peacefully.

 

I had my last asthmatic dream about two weeks after getting off steroids. In the dream, I was riding in a very crowded bus and started having difficulty breathing. I screamed, “Let me out! I have asthma!” The bus driver opened the window, then he proceeded to a bus stop and most of the people left the bus. Then, he closed the door and I kept traveling on, with no further breathing issues and no need to wake up.

Eva Goodwin
Oregon

*Disclaimer:

This is a true testimonial of a Breathing Center’s client; however, the results of application of the Buteyko Breathing Normalization method may vary from person to person. We cannot guarantee identical results to everyone who contacts the Breathing Center. Also, please keep in mind that our services are educational, not medical. Buteyko Breathing Normalization Specialists are teachers and trainers, not medical doctors.

Breathing Center’s Staff